Scattered

30 07 2006

So, I’ve stressed many a time about “gettin grown”. I’ve complained and grumbled about it for many reasons. For some reason, I always had something to complain about. As they say, I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. I couldn’t see how fortunate I had been to have accomplished what I had. I’m still struggling with this. Just a few minutes ago, I found myself being envious for my lack of eloquence in expressing myself. But, whatever.

Moving on to today…I’m learning to love, be loved, and let go. I’ve been in relationships before, but they had never been long-term. They always ended by me just not answering the phone anymore. In other words, I have never officially broken up with a guy. Why does this matter? Well, I liked a guy…a lot. We dated and had a blast together! Then I discovered that he was unavailable-not in a relationship, but unavailable. I had a major decision to make. I could either stick it out and deal with the mess, or I could try to salvage the FRIENDSHIP for the potential relationship. 2 years ago, I might have just keyed his car and never spoken to him again. But, I see how much I’ve matured and I know that it’s because of the things I’ve gone through. At one point, I never thought I would be able to truly love someone, but I see I can and I see I am worth it. So right now, I’m learning to be friends with a guy I am extremely attracted to in many ways. I was warned by someone, who apparently does care about my well-being, to not get involved with the guy. Glad I listened, albeit late. It sucks, but it’s life.

So now, again, I’m learning to be happy with me. This is a cycle of independence-dependence-sadness-happiness that I go through. It’s the nature of my beast and I just deal with it as i have to. I’m wanting to rekindle some relationships. I want to surround myself with people I KNOW love me, not just those who deal with me because they have to. I miss my friends, but I can’t swallow my pride enough to call. So I’ve emersed (sp?) myself in my work and church. Clearly it ain’t workin for me.

My brain is just racing right now. I have so much to say, but I can’t organize it. What I want is to be free, from mental and psychological bondage of my own mind. I hold myself hostage in the worse way. I think Donny said it best here…

Hang on to the world as it spins around
Just don’t let the spin get you down
Things are moving fast
Hold on tight and you will last
Keep your self-respect your manly pride
Get yourself in gear.
Keep your stride
Never mind your fears
Brighter days will soon be here
Take it from me, some day we’ll all be free
Keep on walking tall
Hold your head up high
Lay your dreams right up to the sky
Sing your greatest song
And you’ll keep growing on
Take from me some day we’ll all be free

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