I don’t wanna, but I do

19 07 2007

I think I’m starting to crush on a guy, a classmate at that (let’s call him freshmeat). He’s nice. Educated. Earning his MPA with me. But I don’t wanna like him! I mean, he hasn’t SAID that he likes me, but he speaks and acknowledges me in ways that folks that don’t care just don’t do. Today we were the lone souls in the computer lab. We walked to class together (nothing romantic, just small talk). After class, he came back to the lab with me. More small talk. I just didn’t feel that he had any real reason to be in the lab other than me. That may be self-centered on my part.

See, here’s the issue: He’s going to England in the Fall too. I’m not trying to get attached to someone like that right now. Well not him. We’re gonna be possibly the only black American students at this school, definitely in the classes. I just feel that there’s gonna be hella time we’re gonna have to spend together. We even spoke briefly about weekend trips to other European cities since the flights are so cheap.

AND he’s younger and I’m not trying to repeat history with the toddlers. He’s not as young as the Bishop’s son. He finished Morehouse in ’06 (hence the name “freshmeat”). I just know I’m older than him and more focused on school (read: I make better grades).

Ugh! I’m sure I’m thinking WAY to much about this. Dude hasn’t asked for my number or anything, other than being my “friend” on facebook. I don’t know. I’m so anxious about it all! Partly because…

Well, there was this song by this group a while back, Isyss. It was called “Single for the rest of my life”. The chorus went like this:
So if I can’t have you
I’ll just be single for the rest of my life
Cause you can’t be replaced by nobody else
I’ll go crazy if I can’t have you for myself

If I can’t have you
I’ll just be single for the rest of my life
I’ve decided that nobody could compare to you
There’s nobody that can make me feel the way you do

Now, when I first heard it, I thought it was ridiculous. Why would anyone accept such a sad fate and give up? Why convince yourself that HE was the one and now he’s gone?

But now I get it.

When it comes to guys, I don’t have a type, I have a standard. And JJ is my standard. I passed up many an opportunity to get closer to him and now I’m almost chasing him. He’s always respectful, never mean or rude. But he has to be thinking “oh now you want me”. And i do. Can’t stop thinking about him.

I think that’s why I’m hoping freshmeat doesn’t really like me.





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