Damnit

21 07 2007

I’m at that place, that stage, where I’m obsessive. I seriously cannot stop thinking. It’s not on a stalker level (but what stalker admits to being a stalker?) ’cause I haven’t called or sent texts or nothin’ like that. I do keep hoping he’ll contact me, but he hasn’t. I mean, he has a life. He goes out…with girls. *sigh* He has fun. He’s a guy, so I’m pretty sure he isn’t up at 2am stressing over me.

Why do I put myself through this? Thinking is so much worse than doing. When you act on stuff, at least there’s some resolution. You have some reason to put certain thoughts to rest. Thinking on the other hand, it does nothing but encourage more thoughts to surface. It’s such a vicious cycle.

Either way, I’m still thinking about him.

I think it might have something to do with Oprah today. She had single men in their 30s and 40s (just showing that there were some single men out there) and I began thinkin’ about my life. If/when I’m granted admission to a PhD program, that’s 4-7 years of my life that I won’t be financially able to commit to a relationship or a person. I may be 30 or over when I’m done. The thought of THEN having to date to meet someone to MAYBE get married and MAYBE have kids is stressing. I mean, that could take a decade!! That’s why I’m stressing. This quarter-century is really sneaking up on me.

And I have no potential future (ex-) husbands in sight.

It’s almost like I have to sacrifice my doctoral degree for getting in the dating game now. That doesn’t seem fair. But, I have to weigh my priorities. If I’m fertile, I’ll be able to have healthy kids with no problems until ’bout 35 years old. Starting a PhD program with a husband and kids…probably not gonna happen.

Damnit! Who invented choices?

You know what? The bottom line is this: if he would tell me today that there will never be anything with us, I could move on. But I’m stuck, not because he’s leading me on. I damn near just leading myself on! I’m being led by the mere thought, hope of being with him because not knowing allows me to think that’s the perfect solution to all my problems.

Damnit!

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