my note to the ex

22 07 2007

I literally JUST hit copy (to post here) and send (to him). Names have been changed, of course.
****************************************************

By now you know I’m better at written vs. oral communication.

I just left my apartment. I’m never there for a number of reasons. I went there in an OK mood, slightly irritated. I left absolutely angry. Not angry at anything anyone said to me. Angry at the entire situation. Angry at how my roommate played every side of a situation that had nothing to do with her. Angry that I ended up signing a 13 month contract worth thousands of dollars with someone I knew less than a year. Angry still at her relationship with Oprah*, your relationship with Oprah*, her relationship with Lockett* and how NO ONE cared enough about me – despite all of “Christ’s love” they claim to have for me – to look out for my best interest. NO ONE. Everyone was too busy protecting what was safe, comfortable and good for them and I got burned in the end. People who claimed to be my friends (which I will never believe again) protected you with unparalleled loyalty, telling me lies directly to my face.

As soon as I walked in the apartment, all of this came back to me.

Add this to the fact that none of the people directly or indirectly involved (including your parents, staff, them), have heard my side from me. Not only has no one there heard my story, no one has even bothered to see if I’m still alive.

Add this to the fact that I am the only person who knows my roommate in the capacity that I do (no one else has lived with her, experienced much of the mess with her, and had the disagreements with her that I have) and it brings me to my point(s).

I say all of this to say that…
1. I will probably not be back there.
I simply don’t feel that I can grow there anymore. I don’t want to be in the presence of these people who have been (and are) intentionally deceitful. I am not in line with the vision. I don’t trust the place.

2. I don’t know if you and I can have a meaningful friendship.
I do not trust your judge of character. I do not trust your judgement. I think you have a kind soul, but a lot of learning to do.

3. I am still angry.
My anger is often manifested through rudeness and shortness in conversation, no interest in speaking and simply brushing you off. You betrayed me and my trust. You may never get either back. I do not want to be angry with you forever, but I do want you to remember exactly what you did and what hurt resulted from it.

4. Despite this, I hope that you are able to find pure happiness in life with a partner, in your career, in your spiritual life and with your family. I truly wish you the best because I know you’re a nice person. You deserve the best and you’re going to be a great husband and father. You and I just did not work.

No matter what it sounds like, I’m really trying to get over it all. And I will in due time.

No reply is necessary. Writing is therapeutic for me and this has helped me tonight.

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