Still nothing

23 09 2007

I really don’t want to let someone ruin my time in a foreign country. I’m having loads of fun, meeting a lot of new people and seeing some amazing sites. Everyone here I’ve met has been great. I’ve kept my distance from the one American student I know intentionally because I didn’t wanna just bring my American views and experiences over here-I wanted to make new ones.

Here’s the problem: as long as I’m out, I’m fine. As soon as I come back to the room, no matter what time it is, I think of him. When I read the news, I think of him. When I check my webpage, I think of him. When I blog, I think of him. And he’s done nothing to make me believe he even really acknowledges that I’m not in America! NOTHING!! And it infuriates me. I feel absolutely and utterly used by him and I want to think so much more of him and guys in general. But I’m 25 and it’s time for a wakeup call. Guys are guys. He’s a guy. I can’t make him be what he’s not. But am I stupid for believing him when he tells me he’s wanted to be with me for 4 years? Am I stupid for thinking that he was honest when he said he wanted me to have his children? Am i stupid for ever considering “us” when he talks of moving to Atlanta?

I seriously, seriously can not take it anymore. I’m an asset, not someone to be used and walked over. I’m doing very well for myself. I have dreams and I’m achieving them. I will not be used. I am telling myself this out loud; I WILL NOT BE USED EVER AGAIN. Furthermore, I will tell folks how and why I feel used by him. I will say nothing to GZA ever again. We’ve had this conversation already (1st time , shame on you. 2nd time shame on me) so I will just not think of him as anything more than a guy. Not even a friend. Friends don’t take advantage of one another.

I deserve so much better and I’m beginning to believe it. I can do better and I will do better. I WILL NOT BE TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF AGAIN. NEVER!

I will not be used.

I will not be degraded.

I will not be lied to.

I will not be manipulated.

I will be loved and appreciated by someone who deserves me. I will be loved and appreciated by someone who accepts me. I will be loved and appreciated by someone who respects me. I deserve absolutely nothing less than this.

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