I sent a message to a friend last night asking how to get over something, how to emotionally cut ties but maintain physical contact. The answer to this, for me, is the Holy Grail of life advice.
In 25 years and one month of living, I have not gotten over one thing that has hurt me. Not a one. Every single malady, argument, rejection, failure, broken promise, deferred dream, letdown in my life. Every bit of hurt, pain, defeat, dismlssal. Every time I didn’t want to. Every time I couldn’t. Every time I wasn’t allowed. Every time I wasn’t accepted…every one sits on my heart everyday and consumes my mind. I’m so busy thinking about what didn’t happen that I can’t think of what might be. It is slowly stealing my hope.
I’ve tried Buddhist meditation to calm my mind with little success. I’ve prayed. I’ve written. I’ve talked. I’ve read. I’ve prayed some more. But everyday is the same thing. I’m sure it’s the reason I make such drastic changes in my life, hoping to start anew and leave it all behind. And it often works for a few weeks. But never is it a permanent solution.
So, again, I ask myself how do I get over it? How do I move beyond seeing myself as a casualty of life, to being triumphant? How can I possess the strength to face rejection and talk openly about it? How can I exude an excitement for life and appreciation for the opportunities I’ve had? How can I really be happy for others when I’m only pretending to be happy for myself?
I deserve happiness. I deserve the best, but only I can make me the best me. Something’s gotta give! I’ve got to get over it.