I am officially an applicant. I submitted my online applications 2 days ago. My transcripts are in the mail. My fate is in the hands of admission committees at Cleveland State, Indiana, NYU, Washington, Syracuse and George Washington. I can’t remember the last time I was so nervous.
In school, I never auditioned for anything. Unless it was required, I didn’t try out. I always wanted to, but I would rather not try than try and fail. I even went and got my physical done so that I could audition for the drill team and never showed my face at the try-outs. I was so scared of not succeeding and I still have that same fear. That’s why this is so difficult for me. I know I’m not an ideal candidate; my grades weren’t perfect and I don’t have tons of work experience, but I do have a serious passion for the field I want to study. I can only hope that that counts for something…and that the statements that I spent months (literally from August to yesterday) are actually phenomenal and not like those bad papers I’ve churned out at the 11th hour, erroneously thinking they were pieces of academic perfection. *sigh*
I really want to be in someone’s program next year. I always second guess myself. I wonder if I should have applied to the program at my current school, if I should try for a 2nd masters, if I should take the LSAT and consider law school (too many people believe I’d make a good lawyer for me to never give it thought), if I should be happy with a job in Atlanta, or if I should cash in that winning lottery ticket that I will find in my jeans pocket when I return and move to Fiji. I’m so so worried. If I don’t get in WITH assistantship/fellowship money I will have thrown away the money spent on taking the GRE ($130), the money for the transcripts ($120 + $60), the money for the extra GRE scores ($30), the application fees ($45-$75 * 6), postage and most importantly the time. I don’t have that kind of money to waste! I thought I would feel better when I finished my part, thought I wouldn’t be worried anymore. Was I wrong, or what? And now I wait until March. This should be fun. You wanna talk about being on edge? *ho hum*
I’m just a big ol’ ball of nerves, comforting myself with Perez Hilton, John Mayer and Ramen noodles and obsessively reading archives of every blog in my list. This is not fabulous!