26 02 2008

It’s raining and gloomy today

I’m in a funk and it sucks.
I feel like I’m unnecessarily wallowing in self-pity.  I’m better than this.
I’m unhappy about lots of things now, but I’m grateful for what I have.
I’ve cried more in the past 3 weeks than I can remember ever crying (not including deaths).
I am in a funk, a rut, a valley, a dark place.  Whatever you wanna call it, I’m there.

I’m absolutely unhappy with the j-o-b and with boss lady.  She’s increasingly rude and self-serving and condescing to me and to almost anyone she meets.  It’s her.  It’s the way she feels business needs to be conducted.  It’s wearing me down.  I’ve seriously considered who I could buy cocaine from…and I don’t even do drugs!

I didn’t get into a second school.  I’m realizing that I kinda put all my eggs in one basket.  All my energy was focused on graduate school and moving to a new city in August.  With the possibility of that not coming through, I gotta regroup and figure out my next move.  I didn’t plan to be in this spot so I didn’t plan at all.  Honestly, there’s a real chance that I’ve been following the wrong dream or goal, or attempting to obtain something in the wrong way.  I get that.  I accept that.  But it doesn’t make reality easier to swallow in the meantime.

I’m concerned that I’ll never be content.  I went to school so that I could get a decent job.  In reality, I have a decent job that I just don’t like.  I’m afraid I went to school for the wrong reasons.

I need to learn the difference between goals and deadlines.  If I don’t have something done (in my personal life) by a certain time/age, I feel that I’ve failed that task, even though there’s plenty of time to get it done.  And I know that.  But I still feel that I’ve failed.

I am so grateful to the person who introduced me to “my utmost for his highest”.  It gives me hope and perspective, but it makes me cry too.  My mom says I just need to go to church; it’s been over a year since I last stepped foot in a sanctuary.  My cynicism would get in the way of any real message right now.
The funk has got to go away.

I’m trying to stay hopeful and positive, but optimism is what got me here.  I need to learn to be positive, hopeful and realistic all at once.

On a happier note, this video is hilarous!




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